It's hard to know what to say to someone who is dying.
Maybe you're standing outside their room, or staring at a blank text message, and your mind just... empties. You love this person. You want to say something that matters. But you're terrified of getting it wrong.
That fear? Completely normal. It's why most of us freeze. But here's the thing: there are words you can say. Simple, honest ones that bring comfort without trying too hard. This guide will help you find them.
The four practices below are adapted from What Matters Most: Lessons That the Dying Teach Us About Living by Diane Button, an end-of-life doula who has sat with countless dying people and their families.
They Want to Know They'll Be Remembered
What this means:
People facing death need reassurance that they won't be forgotten—that their presence in the world will continue to matter even after they're gone.
What to say:
- "I'm going to tell my daughter the story about how you taught me to bake bread from scratch. That gift is going to live on through us."
- "The way you showed up for me when my mom died changed everything. I'll carry that kindness with me forever."
- "You taught me what it means to be a good friend. I think about your example all the time, and I always will."
They Want to Know Their Life Mattered
What this means:
It's not just about being remembered—it's about knowing they made a real difference. They need to hear specifically how they changed things, how they contributed, what they left better than they found it.
What to say:
- "You changed my life when you believed in me during that really dark time. I wouldn't be here without you."
- "The way you volunteered at the shelter every Saturday for twenty years—you saved so many animals. That mattered so much."
- "You taught me what integrity looks like. Watching you live your values made me want to be a better person."
They Need Everyone They Love to Know They're Loved
What this means:
Dying people often frantically reach out to make sure they've said "I love you" to everyone who matters—old friends, distant relatives, people they haven't spoken to in years. They need to know those words were heard.
What to say:
- "I love you. I know we don't say it enough in this family, but I need you to hear it. You mean everything to me."
- "Loving you has been one of the greatest privileges of my life. I'm so grateful for every moment."
- "You've always been there for me, and I love you for that. I hope you've always known it, but I'm saying it now: I love you."
They May Need to Handle Unfinished Business
What this means:
Old regrets, unspoken apologies, and unresolved conflicts can weigh heavily at the end of life. If there's something between you—or if they're seeking forgiveness—creating space for that conversation can bring profound relief.
What to say:
- "I know things were hard between us for a long time. I want you to know: I forgive you, and I'm letting it go."
- "I'm sorry for the way I hurt you. I've carried that regret, and I need you to know I wish I'd done better."
- "If there's anything you need to say to me—anything at all—I'm here to listen. No judgment, just love."
Diane's book is a collection of stories she's gathered as a death doula from people in their final days and what they wished they'd known sooner.
It really makes you think about whether you're spending your time on the right stuff, and she gives you some questions at the end to help you figure that out.
More suggestions on What to Say to Someone Who is Dying
- “You don’t have to say or do anything for me. I just want to be here with you.”
- “You’ve made such an impact on my life, and I’m so grateful for you.”
- “If there’s anything left unsaid or undone that’s important to you, I want to listen or help.”
- “You matter so much to me—not just now, but always.”
- “I’ll keep telling your stories. People will know who you were and how you lived.”
- “I don’t have the right words, but I want you to know I’m here, and I care.”
- “You’ve given me more than I can ever explain. Thank you for letting me be part of your life.”
- “If you’re tired, it’s okay to rest. You don’t have to hold it all together for anyone.”